Wednesday, March 04, 2009

Old Broads' Riding Rules


1. We DO NOT need to show up with our hair combed, make up on and wearing a clean shirt.

2. Moaning, groaning and complaining about aching muscles is perfectly acceptable, as is taking Motrin prior to a ride.

3. Helping someone on or off the horse does not mean the rider is an invalid. It only means the horse got taller overnight.

4. No one will comment about how big someone's butt looks in a saddle.

5. Everyone will wait, patiently, while someone dismounts and adjusts equipment. Everyone will also wait, patiently, until that person remounts and is ready to move matter how long that takes.

6. When a horse is acting up we will accept that the horse is just having a bad hair day and it is not the rider's fault.

7. Mentioning it is too hot, too dry, too humid, too wet, too buggy, etc., is considered self expression, not whining.

8. Wanting to be first , last, walk, or just stop does not mean the rider is a wimp. Sometimes it is necessary to teach a horse who is in charge.

9. We will take the time to discuss the important issues of the day like who is dating who, who is cheating on who and any other relevant information which needs to be passed on.

10. Not keeping your horse at the Gaited Horse/Warp Speed (if we all ride gaited horses) is not a Federal Crime. With all that is going on today, the FBI has too much on it's plate to follow us around.

11. We will acknowledge that horses are very strange animals and sometimes for no reason at all we fall off of them. If this happens to any rider the other riders will ascertain that the person is okay and then not mention the incident to another living soul, especially husbands and significant others.

12. We will acknowledge, without apology, that riding more than 2 1/2 hours increases our grumpy level far more than any ego benefits we may get from riding lon ger.

13. Our horses are not fat they are big boned.

14. Looking at my bouncing fat is NOT an acceptable way of determining if I have a good seat. My fat always bounces, thank you. It is cushion I carry in case I fall off.

16. Yes, I do have 7 horses and 6 saddles, did I ask you how many golf clubs your husband has?

17. Although I will beat your butt around the next corner I need to tell you again that "I am not competitive!"

18. No, I have not seen ANY correlation with the challenges of keeping a mare versus a nice, gentle, reasonable gelding and the fact that my husband says I am sometimes difficult and moody! What is your point?

19. I never "treat" my horses to anything I don't like myself. Ever tried hay?

20. I need to keep this Gaited Horse riding mysterious and strange sounding. If everyone else finds out how much fun it is the price of the horses will go up and I wont be able to afford a dozen of them.