Living with O.C.E.A.N. Syndrome
By Scooter Grubb

Just recently, after years of research, I have finally
been able to give a name to what my wife and I have
been living with for years.

It's an affliction, for sure, which when undiagnosed
and misunderstood can devastate and literally tear a
family apart. Very little is known about O.C.E.A.N.
Syndrome. But it is my hope this article will generate
interest from researchers involved in the equine and
psychological sciences. You will, no doubt, begin to
identify similar symptoms in your own family and
hopefully now be able to cope.

Obsessive Compulsive Equine Attachment Neurosis
Syndrome (O.C.E.A.N.) is usually found in the female
and can manifest itself anytime from birth to the
golden years. Symptoms may appear any time and may
even go dormant in the late teens, but the syndrome
frequently re-emerges in later years.

Symptoms vary widely in both number and degree of
severity. Allow me to share some examples which are
most prominent in our home.

The afflicted individual:

1. Can smell moldy hay at ten paces, but can't
tell whether milk has gone bad until it turns chunky.

2. Finds the occasional "Buck and Toot" session
hugely entertaining, but severely chastises her
husband for similar antics.

3. Will spend hours cleaning and conditioning her
tack, but wants to eat on paper plates so there are no dishes.

4. Considers equine gaseous excretions a fragrance.

5. Enjoys mucking out four stalls twice a day,
but insists on having a housekeeper mop the kitchen
floor once a week.

6. Will spend an hour combing and trimming an
equine mane, but wears a baseball cap so she doesn't
waste time brushing her own hair.

7. Will dig through manure piles daily looking
for worms, but does not fish.

8. Will not hesitate to administer a rectal exam
up to her shoulder, but finds cleaning out the
Thanksgiving turkey cavity for dressing quite repulsive.

9. By memory can mix eight different supplements
in the correct proportions, but can't make macaroni
and cheese that isn't soupy.

10. Twice a week will spend an hour scrubbing
algae from the water tanks, but has a problem cleaning
lasagna out of the casserole dish.

11. Will pick a horse's nose, and call it
cleaning, but becomes verbally violent when her
husband picks his.

12. Can sit through a four-hour session of a
ground work clinic, but unable to make it through a
half-hour episode of Cops.

The spouse of an afflicted victim:

1. Must come to terms with the fact there is no
cure, and only slightly effective treatments. The
syndrome may be genetic or caused by the inhaling of
manure particles which, I propose, have an adverse
effect on female hormones.

2. Must adjust the family budget to include
equine items - hay, veterinarian services, farrier
services, riding boots and clothes, supplements, tack,
equine masseuse and acupuncturist - as well as the
(mandatory) equine spiritual guide, etc. Once you have
identified a monthly figure, never look at it again.
Doing so will cause tightness in your chest, nausea
and occasional diarrhea.

3. Must realize that your spouse has no control
over this affliction. More often than not, she will
deny a problem even exists as denial is common.

4. Must form a support group. You need to know
you're not alone - and there's no shame in admitting
your wife has a problem. My support group, for
instance, involves men who truly enjoy Harley
Davidsons, four-day weekends and lots of scotch. Most
times, she is unaware that I am even gone, until the
precise moment she needs help getting a 50-pound bag
of grain out of the truck.

Now you can better see how O.C.E.A.N.S. affects
countless households in this country and abroad. It
knows no racial, ethnic or religious boundaries. It is
a syndrome that will be difficult to treat because
those most affected are in denial and therefore, not
interested in a cure.

So, I am taking it upon myself to be constantly
diligent in my research in order to pass along
information to make it easier for caretakers to cope
on a day to day basis.